notes

hate myself hate myself hate myself

just spent over 20 minutes walking in a circle

the self hate is strong today

i can't self isolate i can't self isolate i can't self isolate i can't self isolate i can't self isolate i can't self isolate i can't self isolate i can't self isolate i can't self isolate

life is difficult

been sitting here for like an hour with my hrt just sitting on my desk because i don't have enough water in my glass and so i've just been waiting for the ice in it to melt

hhh i always get my hopes up too much.

and i didn’t even think i was being that hopeful. but it still hurts.

sometimes i'll have little conversations with my girlfriend's squishmallows she gives me even though they are boring and won't respond to me smh

(most of the conversations are just me going "nea,,, :pleadingcat:" tbh)

thinking about how much i love nea now and like i might cry

she's so fucking sweet 😭

fitting that activity id 900 is that

ruining everything as usual (i’m so good at that!!)

mmm just laying in my bed rn thinking about my nea. and how fucking comfy it’d be to just. fall asleep next to her right now…

hope she can spend the night more next semester or for christmas maybe. just, would be so fucking nice aaa :pleadingcat:

god i love her so much…

the “thing associated with terrible person” to “reassociating that thing with nea” pipeline :pleadingcat:

at work rn and nea came to see me to say goodbye before she goes home, aaaaa i love her so fucking much :pleadingcat: how is she so sweet...

why is her solution to battery being in pocket but wanting to leave phone at table, to unplug it and leave the cable dangling from her pocket, instead of just taking the battery out of her pocket…

brain thinking too much again.

mmm i love my sweetheart so so so much…

i kinda have a guess of where she’s taking me. it’s probably incorrect though

which tbh i’m ok with. maybe she has somewhere more exciting in mind but idk where. and when i asked if it was spaghetti she said no.

hhhh i wish i could be cute....

i think i go to bed now.

i'm sorry.

what if i just. emailed jazwares support to try and identify this squishmallow. would be very silly. idk.

learning there's a squishmallow with my deadname is not what i needed to make this day even worse

huh my brain is thinking again about the thing that i've only talked to like two people about ever and i really hate that because like there is a reason i have only ever talked to like two people about it ever

brain please stop 😭

i need more webcage tbh

sometimes i get distracted and my playlist reaches the not-webcage part and i am slightly annoyed

lmao this is so fucking funny (vague)

letting my girlfriend choose my middle name except she hasn’t figured out one still so i’m just middle name-less

weezer music feels so perfect for whatever mood this is

https://music.apple.com/us/album/undone-the-sweater-song/1440878798?i=1440879332

hhh i just want to cry.

it's so nice having gigabit internet tbh. like, at my parents' it's 100/100 which i was always fine with. but it feels so nice to just, look and see oh im pulling like 950Mb/s down from docker hub lol

i feel like i have done good the past couple of days :3 haven’t really been lonely and i haven’t been missing my girlfriend or being needy for her that much :3

i love my sweetheart she's so sweet and amazing and i love her so fucking much

just don't understand how it's possible for a girl to be so amazing, like, aaaaaa :pleadingcat:

what’s the point

blushing so much rn at the thought of living with her someday

about to cry (from happiness) just thinking about getting to live with my girlfriend some day... would be so cute...

kinda needy rn tbh

slight feeling of just. wanting to cry rn.

what if i just like. held her hand rn. that'd be so silly.

eepy and gay rn

NAS NAS: Nea and Saige Network-attached storage

oh, you're straight? that's so uh. uhhhhhh. homophobic. yeah that's so homophobic of you

i love how protected and safe i feel around my girlfriend tbh. or just like. having her jacket and squishmallows to hug makes me feel really safe too tbh. i love her so fucking much :pleadingcat:

reading a hacker news thread and like. the idea that developers who can only write react and not html is so insane to me. like. i’m sure they exist. but like, ???

gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :3 (me)

eepy puppy

my girlfriend and i are currently figuring out the insanity that is making a triangle with css

my girlfriend just said sqlite isn't real sql 😭

anyways postgres and stuff is fake. sqlite is the only real sql and is the only sql anyone ever needs

it’s 75f in here and i am freezing to death :deadAnya:

fuck it. i’ve been so fucking good for like, a really long time. and then when i have to spend a week with my shitty parents i want to die.

this is the most depressed i’ve been in a longggggg time